I am mad at God. Extremely Mad. In fact, I think it has been a couple of months since I have started to hate with all my heart a lot of God’s decisions in my life. I told him last night as I sat on my bedroom floor weeping (with random music on so my parents won’t hear me crying) that I don’t want my life to be full of prayers, I am tired of my life being just that – a prayerful and hopeful life, never reaching my desires. Every time I am about to reach my desire, God seems to do something that makes sure I don’t get what I want. Or at least God didn’t stop the bad things from happening.
I don’t feel like praising God in this blog post. I feel that if I do, in my heart I might despise God more – while praising him in public – just to show YOU the reader how “all things work together for the good of those who love God” or “praise precedes the victory.”
I feel like if I praise God falsely, that might turn me against myself more and increase the distance between me and God. Right now, I heard something in my spirit, just as I put the full-stop on my last sentence. This is what I heard – “There is no distance.” It could be God who whispered that. I don’t know.
Over the past week, a couple of times, I heard this question – “Do you love me?” At first, I brushed it aside. I thought it was just a random thought. But, as the frequency of this question increased, I assumed it would be Jesus. Every time I told him – “I am not sure, I don’t know. You tell me.”
Just now as I am writing this, I realized that God knows the answer to that question. He knows whether I love him or not. I think he wants me to know the answer.